“It’s The Ranger, it’s the Ranger!!” [Episode 21]

001Where l can, l try and ‘sneaksy’ into all Dad’s shots! Mm, wonder if we can hide behind these ones Dad?

Hey Everybody,

Today, l want to tell you another small story from a few years ago when we all went to the woods nearby where Dad and l used to live. This was before Mummy and Dad started living under one roof together.

Mummy had driven up from where she used to live to visit us in Whaplode Drove as she did some weekends and asked me where l might like to go for a ‘special walk?’ Dad suggested Bourne Woods, which is just outside the actual town of Bourne in Lincolnshire.

You see where we lived it was on the Fens, and the Fens is notoriously flat lands! Flat lands and dykes, dykes and flat lands, and however you decide to play with that, you are still going to get really flat lands and really boring dykes – it’s that simple!

See the picture below – speaks volumes!!!

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I had never heard of Bourne Woods before, and when l asked Dad what was so special about it all? He said that it was full of trees and foliage, and bushes and all sorts of things that we hardly ever saw where we lived!! I can honestly say that l was extremely excited about it all!

We were to go the very next day!!

The next day came around really quickly thankfully, because have you noticed how some times days really don’t move that fast at all? Yeah l know, strange isn’t it? But this day came really fast, so l didn’t have to wait long at all!

Well, first things had to be organised, l noted that my morning walk was delayed!!! I am a girl who likes routine, and when that is disturbed l can get a little bit flustered, l don’t care what happens if l have my Morning walk, it’s good for the ‘movement’ if you catch my drift …. ?

But Mummy and Dad were packing my rucksack, their boots, my rucksack, water and bits, and my rucksack! Well it wasn’t really my rucksack, it was Mummy’s boot bag, but all the same, it was meant for me, and when l noted this down, l knew that my morning walk could perhaps wait a little while – after all this was my ‘special walk day’, so l had to be a little patient!

Admittedly l didn’t have to wait that long for my morning ‘tinkle’ walk before l was placed into Mummy’s car and we were off! It was a gloriously sunny day, and l was in the back of the car, with the window down and listening to the grooves on the radio, bopping away to the tunes as Mummy was!!

I kept on asking “Are we there yet?” Dad kept on calling me a demanding furry child? Wasn’t demanding l was just asking a question, so what if l asked the same question twenty times, it was still a question!

Finally … finally we arrived at the so called ‘Bourne Woods’ and well, what can l say? It smelled lovely, there were these really tall trees all around us, l could smell other two leggeds and four leggeds and pee and wee and poo, and all sorts of stuff, and l hadn’t even got out of the car yet!!!

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How cool was that??

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Soon, we were all packed up, or as Mummy said “suited and booted and ready to rock and roll!” Which was kind of a strange thing to say if l am honest because l didn’t see any rolling rocks? But it mattered not, because this was to be my first real Adventure ever!!
And what an adventure it turned out to be!! You see, we walked, and walked, and walked and this well this, was in the days when l could walk, and walk and walk, and l never got tired! Mummy and l, we are real explorers and adventurers and Dad, well Dad’s Dad – he was there in his official Dad capacity!

Now before l say anything else, and Dad don’t interrupt you know it’s true! Dad is and can be somewhat mm, how do l say this politely? I can’t, it will have to be blunt! Dad is at times a walking accident, a catastrophic clumsy or a disaster waiting to detonate! So where as Mummy and me are scrambling over rocks and logs and getting our feet wet in small brooks, ducking under thorny branches, fighting our way through jungle masses of foliage and otherwise being the true pioneers that we are – we both have to remember that we have Mr Klutz behind us!!

What this means is that if we are walking in a straight line, yes folks a ‘straight line’, Mummy is always calling out directions to him …

“Low branch, roots on ground, dip in ground, bush, log, spider webs and the list goes on and on! I mean he wears glasses for a reason! You know? Dad is a real Fenland walker type – as in, he likes to be on firm flat ground, and where ever the grounds start to steep somehow he manages to find every nook and cranny that we have all missed!

It isn’t uncommon for me, [even now] to hear, “twangs, thwacks, grunts and oopsy daisies!” from Dad on a fairly straight forwards’ walk on flat land. For a two legged that wears glasses to see, he is at times as blind as a bat and clueless to sonar and Mummy’s observation directions! I sometimes think that if they sold the book “How to walk in a straight line for Dummies!” Dad would still get it wrong!

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I do love you Dad, you know that’s true, and you also know, l am barking the truth now!
This particular day however, something happened outside Dad’s normal routine [yes Dad likes routines as well, it’s his Asbeeness that likes’ it. I am not an Asbee, but l like toilet routines! Big difference!!] Dad doesn’t do ‘sudden change’ that well, and he likes things to be orderly, and he doesn’t like to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or in this case, in the wrong section of the woods, because – we got lost!!

It’s that simple, we were lost, not just a little lost, but really big league lost! I mean you are never truly lost as Mummy was saying, and l agree with her, but Dad … oh my what can l say??

“What do you mean, we are lost? How lost, we can’t be lost, how can we be lost? We were not lost, so how can we be lost now? The car park must be around here somewhere, we cannot be really, truly lost can we??”

Now, l know l am just a ‘dawg’, but this ‘dawg’ couldn’t help but note an itsy bitsy tinsy winsy bit of panic in Dad’s voice, and l had to laugh! Mummy was laughing, every time Dad looked away Mummy was laughing at Dad’s ‘We are NOT lost, let’s use logic here and back step!”

We backed steps, back paws, whatever, wasn’t working, we kept moving forwards, side wards and backwards and wherever we went we were lost. Mummy was really calm, and Dad was insisting he was not panicked! But l think he was, he did hide it really well, but Mummy and l well we knew!!

Now, as you have read before from some of my tales of my adventures you may well remember that Dad at times, can be …. A wussy, a big girls’ blouse!! We had according to Dad entered a private section of the woods, it had said ‘No Entry!’ but we had entered, and it was like Dad had become a ninja like me, he was suddenly quiet and his eyes were darting all over the place – left, right, up, down it was funny watching them move so quickly!! Dad was like laughing, but not really finding it that funny! Mummy and l were laughing – silently and quietly so as to not upset Dad!

We were surrounded by loads of really thin trees – please note the word ‘thin’, as in slim trees, you know, like trees that wouldn’t hide anyone behind them sort of trees, not much bigger than say well, like a tree that is slim! Not a proper tree, like baby trees … what Dad? Oh is that what they are called? Saplings mm learn something new each day!
There we go … we were surrounded by saplings!

Anyway, suddenly we could all hear this strange noise somewhere in the woods in the front of us …. Chugga chugga chunk chunky chinkity chunka chugga chunk chunky! Was really weird! The noise was getting louder, and louder, and louder and suddenly out of nowhere – this HUGE machine burst out from the woods!!

Dad jumped all scared like and started dashing to and fro, saying things like “Quick hide, it’s the Ranger, it’s the Ranger!!” And he tried to hide behind these really small ‘saplings’ and pretend he wasn’t there and all invisible like!

Well Mummy and l nearly died of laughter!!

The ‘Ranger’ saw us and just waved “Hello”, and Mummy and l waved back!

But Dad, well, what can l say …. Well what l can say is that a two legged of Dads’ stature, hiding behind a sapling doesn’t look right!

1] He is not invisible
2] He is NOT hiding or even remotely hidden!
3] He looks like a classic *Numpty! [Olde English]

He stepped out from his ‘tree’ and simply said, “Well all l can say is we were jolly lucky he didn’t tell us off!”

Mummy and l just laughed, and laughed and laughed our way to the car park, which just happened to only be twenty minutes away!

“It’s the Ranger, it’s the Ranger!” Reminded me an awful lot of that cartoon “It’s The Wolf” where upon Lambsy the Lamb [sounds a lot like one of my friends] is always being chased by Mildew Wolf!

Anyway, it wasn’t long after that, that we all arrived back at the car, and what a great time we had teasing Dad on the way home!!!

Anyway, you know my sign out, so all together!

Tootle pip from Doodlepip!

059“Oh look Dad, there’s a sapling!!”

**Numpty

A term used an awful lot in Lincolnshire to describe a ‘bit of a dafty’

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